Gameday Preparations

By 111Balz, June 13th, 2001

I awake at dawn and run naked through my neighborhood, calling out the opponent of the day..."are you in there you damned Tarheel?.....come out and take your medicine, Bluedevil.....crawl out from under your shell, Terp...hey Hokie, when you finish cutting their grass, come by my house".

I then return to my home where I paint my body orange, put on videotapes of past UVA classic games and open the first fifth. Three hours before game time, I begin getting dressed... first socks (I wear three), then orange and blue shirt, then my hat... finally I climb onto the roof where I put on my pants TWO FREAKIN LEGS AT A TIME!!!! Once fully dressed in Wahoo battlegear, I once again call out neighbor opponents with fearsome howls... "It's time Seminole, time for your whipping... Tiger YOU DIE... hokie, you need to rake when you're done".

Finally the drive begins...with flags and banners flying from the car and orange smoke from the exhaust... I hit the highway...looking for poor saps with the nerve to show the colors of our opponent. Typically I will run 8 to 10 cars off the road and egg dozens more. I'm a Wahoo and yes dammit, I DO own the road!

I usually arrive at the stadium early to pay my respects to Mecca (Balz Dorm) - I like to stand on the fourth floor balcony and scream obscentities at anyone wearing the wrong colors. Only the ones who make eye contact have anything to worry about, because I WILL find them later. Oh yes, I WILL find them.

By this point depending on whether it is a day game or night, I am on my third or fourth fifth... so it's time to drop the acid and head for the stadium. My rubber, air tight backpack filled with Virginia Gentlemen and accessed by a one inch tube wedged into my mouth and clamped on a molar, often draws some attention from the ticket takers, but since that unfortunate incident in 1991, the veterans know to leave me alone.

Once inside it's time to buy food... not because I'm hungry, but rather to facilitate the projectile vomiting that will be necessary when I go to the visitor section at halftime. With game time approaching I begin my last pre-game ritual... the running of the pergolas, which consists of me running around and into every last one until blood is visible on my face. Then its time to confront some visitors - Are you talking to me? Are you TALKING to ME????

The acid is usually taking effect about the time that the game starts, although I will be timing it better going forward to better enjoy the animated Cavalier.... he talks to me, by the way... he tells me what I should do.

I never sit, although during timeouts I often nap by flinging my body across the laps of neighbors. I also sing the WHOLE game... the Good Old Song, occassionally a show tune, and always numerous songs from Frank Zappa. Hearing the whole 61,000 people in attendence join in on Stinkfoot is mind blowing!

I've mentioned halftime... although things are little more challenging now that there's no visitor section directly behind me. I learned though that if you run full speed through the consession areas swinging a sabre with a mouthful of puke, the crowds will part and let you by.

Generally I don't actually harm anyone directly, and the good news for this year's opponents is that I have been disease free for weeks now, and there's no proof that those things on my lips were contagious anyway.

As the game winds down, so do I.... the booze is usually gone, the acid rush has subsided, and there's nothing left to vomit. So... it's time to undress and prepare for rushing the field. George never particularly cared for getting kissed by a naked painted man, but I'm hoping that Al will be more inclined to stick his face in THIS fan.

Assuming I avoid the police (the older ones just clutch themselves when they see me coming), all that's left of the day is to go howling in the basement of Old Cabell Hall with the druids who live down there, then find my way to my car (did I mention my parking place? I've been parking in the media spot reserved for Lipper for 17 years - thanks for never coming Bob!) where upon I take the long way home (through our opponents main student library).

So that's what I do... nothing out of the ordinary, just what comes natural.